My Husband’s STD

My husband has what I call an STD: Situational Transition Daniel

What this means is, depending on the situation he is in; work, home, whatever… he transitions into a whole different person. While at one job… he is a completely different person than he is at the other job. And, from one person to the next, he is another person altogether.

I’ll read his work evaluations and wonder WHO IS THIS PERSON? And, why can I not have him too?

Example:

Work

Daniel’s work area is always kept clean & organized. He finishes all projects in a timely manner & is first to go above & beyond to help others.

Home

Daniel walks through the door and dumps his stuff all over the loveseat. He takes off his work shirt & hangs it on a chair, peels his socks off and they land where ever he may be. He leaves his dishes all over the house, hangers on the dining room light fixture, & has to be asked at least 20 times to do a simple chore like unloading the dishwasher. (After living here for almost 2 years, he still puts things away in the wrong spots)

I love the man to pieces… but sometimes, keeping up with both faces, is exhausting. Actually, it’s not even 2… it’s more like 3… 4… 5… etc.

Co-workers, acquaintances etc. I get it, I understand… I met him at work. He wasn’t the same person I worked with, once we became a couple & lived together etc.

If the people he encountered in life truly knew what he thought of some of them. Some, he does truly like. Speaks highly of them as people, employees, friends, family etc. Others… well… let’s just say they get the STD…

All I know… is that I have the ring… it’s me he married… I get all the faces, the good, the bad, & the ugly… and I’m glad MY Danny is real. Everyone else just has to wonder, don’t they?

Same Sh*t... Different Year

I haven't written anything in a few months...



I was really busy at work up until my last day on Christmas Eve. Hate being seasonal... of course I AM still available... but I'm not part of the clique. Whatevs.

I did finally get my van. She is a 2005 Dodge Grand Caravan SXT... all the bells & whistles... the kids love the remote sliding doors & the DVD player.

I finally had found another job... I was going to be going to Papa Ginos. Remember when I had my kidney infection last week. Well, apparently, they like to play games there. The told me they would call me on Tuesday before 2.
Even during my orientation, I was in über pain... but I just sat there and pretended to be fine. They didn't need to know what was going on with my body.

I was in way too much pain to deal Tuesday... I waited all day for their call... around 1:30... I fell asleep. The percocet I took kicked in and I passed out.
I woke around 6. It was now too late to call them and see what was going on... I called the next day... but the manager wasn't in. Just as I was getting ready to try again on Thursday... they called me. I explained to them what had happened. They asked if my back "injury" was something that happened a lot... I didn't want to tell them my personal stuff (that it was a kidney infection), but I did assure them that it was just something that came on suddenly... but I was fine & eager to start. They told me that they would call me in a day or 2 with a schedule.

After not hearing anything through Tuesday, I called and ended up speaking to the MIT... he told me that they were disappointed that I hadn't called them. I assured him it was completely unintentional and that it was NOT something I ever do... he told me to call the manager on Thursday. (Today)

I got up this morning and called first thing in the am. I was informed that they had changed their minds about my employment. That I failed their "test"... I understand from their point of view... I do... I've been a manager... but I find it exceptionally petty and underhanded. Do I really want to work for a company that treats people with such disrespect?

Screw it.

I did discover a new website... Scary Mommy
For anyone who knows that sometimes being a parent/spouse is just hell... Check it out. You won't be disappointed.

Damn You For Dying

Its been a year since you died, Brian.
WTF... you were my best friend... you were supposed to be here!
You missed my wedding damn you!

I should have let you stay with us again.
You were there for a month or so, the cigarette smoke was killing me... the lack of privacy... the damn country music channels on cable... don't think I didn't love being with you... but it was hard.

When you asked me if you would be able to come back & stay with us again... I should have let you. I would have forced you to go to the doctor that night. Dammit... you knew better. With your friggin diabetes, & heart issues... you KNEW BETTER!
If you had been here with me & Dan... maybe you wouldn't be dead now.
Your children wouldn't have lost their father... I wouldn't have lost my best friend.

I'm sorry Brian... I miss you so much.

If Anyone Else Dies... I'll Kill Them...

I am so sick & tired of being sick and tired. 

I'm loving being back at the studio... but its playing havoc on my knees big time. Squatting down... kneeling... my arthritic old knees are screaming for mercy. Mom says glucosamine with chondroitin. I asked Danny to check into the cost. 

I still don't have a car. Sucks. I haven't gotten my first paycheck yet, so I don't have any pay-stubs... I need them to try and buy a car. 

I miss my kids. I know that letting them live with their father is best. I don't have the financial resources he does... plus they stay in a better school system... stay near family & their friends. But, its just so hard to not see them every day. To not be able to kiss them goodnight every day, know how everything is going in school... I love my kids so much. I feel like my life is completely empty when they aren't here. 

Tuesday would have been Brian's 35th birthday. Its been 9½ months since he died. I'm still so damn angry at him. How dare he leave me. I could talk to Brian about ANYTHING... no matter what it was, he never judged me, respected my feelings... even if he didn't agree with them. I lost my best friend & I want him back. I have needed him so much lately. I have so many things going on in my head & I have no one I can talk to about it. 

I smacked myself in the face with the camera...

So, day 1 at work was interesting. I sat a computer for hours doing e-learning. For those of you Walmartians... its kinda like doing CBLs for HOURSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

And the worst part was... it was e-learning things I knew... like F-Stop... ISO... seriously? UGH. And HOW to sell... I've been in sales/customer service for 23 years... And I've been in Photography for 20 years.
Speaking of that... my manager... very sweet girl... shes 20... remember how I thought she looks 15? I saw her photography on Facebook... she does a very beautiful job... and I saw some pictures she took last night... very nice.

My only *sigh* would be that after sitting at the computer all day... she then proceeded to tell me how to pose an infant... how to use the posing seat etc. I realize she was only doing her job... I do... but at the same time I wanted to scream. I'm 35... shes 20... When I left SPS, she was 10... I know how to POSE. *sigh*
Its not her fault. And she was very professional about it... so if she ever reads this... I hope she isn't offended... but I just felt like... ugh.

Using the camera was difficult. Not because I don't know how to use a camera/frame/focus etc... but the camera is mounted. I'd have the shot framed, let go & the camera would shift ever so slightly... I'll just have to remember to frame a bit looser than usual & adjust after. I'm used to having my camera in my hands... I love the weight of it... the feel of it. I didn't like that I wasn't loosening the camera grip enough... & I smacked myself in the face with it. LoL

Now, I'm not a huge fan of Photoshop. I believe a picture should speak for itself. If you have to go back and make a bunch of edits & enhancements to try and "sell" your work... than you should focus on bettering your photography skills... not your Photoshop actions. But... what do I know... ?

Run For Cover! The HurtTarts Are Attacking!

So. Tomorrow, I go back to work.   Back to the bowels of CPI. I'm returning to Sears Portrait Studio after having been gone for 10 years. The manager that interviewed me, I swear she was 15. I felt so dang old...

Things are much different now than they were way back when. The cameras, the packages, everything. So, I'm thinking of this as if it a brand new thing. Yes, I come in with experience... but knowledge of how things work these days? Nada. 

So far, its just "seasonal"... umm yeah ok... We'll see.

No car still... so not quite sure on the hows of getting to and/or from work. There is a bus (*gag*) that goes back & forth to the Swansea Mall, but the hours that it runs, aren't exactly feasible every time. Some days, I can take Dan's car... but we really need a second car ASAP. 

Yesterday, Adam & I hit The Narrows Center for The Arts in Fall River to see "The Art of Brick"  display. I was wicked awesome... if I may say so... and I do. Its going to be there through November 19th, so if you are in the Riv area... I recommend that you check it out. Its kinda fabulous.

This whole pencil is made of Lego... and very detailed... 

As the night ended, and my darling Daniel finally tore himself away from Command & Conquer... he climbed into bed... only to be attacked by an errant SweetTart. Apparently one had fallen into the bed and as he lay upon it... it hurt him... thus his declaration that they shall be known as HurtTarts. 

Does that make him a real prince? No wait... the pea was UNDER the mattresses. 

Vroom Vroom?...

So... so far, no car.
Seems like every time we go to the dealership, the guy has a new story.

First he said that we could get a second car if I got a job, OR, we could get trade in Dan's car & have just one car still. So, we decided to wait to see if I found a job.
But Dan's car has been getting worse, (the transmission is going) so we finally decided to trade his car in for the minivan I want now... then in a few months when I hopefully have a job, get him a different car.
We went back to the dealership & NOW they are saying that we would have to wait to trade in his, we can't register it under my name (we could before)... wtf.

I need a car and I need one NOW.

I have an interview today at Sears Portrait Studio. Some of you may recall that I worked there before. From 1995-2001. It was my favorite job... unfortunately, they changed too much & I was forced to leave. They wanted everything done in 15 minutes... with little to no creativity.
Now that the digital age has come, I'm hoping things have changed some. I'd not only like to get back to work... but back to the type of job I love.
Nothing makes me happier than having a camera in my hands.