Sunday, October 30, 2011

If Anyone Else Dies... I'll Kill Them...

I am so sick & tired of being sick and tired. 
I'm loving being back at the studio... but its playing havoc on my knees big time. Squatting down... kneeling... my arthritic old knees are screaming for mercy. Mom says glucosamine with chondroitin. I asked Danny to check into the cost. 

I still don't have a car. Sucks. I haven't gotten my first paycheck yet, so I don't have any pay-stubs... I need them to try and buy a car. 

I miss my kids. I know that letting them live with their father is best. I don't have the financial resources he does... plus they stay in a better school system... stay near family & their friends. But, its just so hard to not see them every day. To not be able to kiss them goodnight every day, know how everything is going in school... I love my kids so much. I feel like my life is completely empty when they aren't here. 

Tuesday would have been Brian's 35th birthday. Its been 9½ months since he died. I'm still so damn angry at him. How dare he leave me. I could talk to Brian about ANYTHING... no matter what it was, he never judged me, respected my feelings... even if he didn't agree with them. I lost my best friend & I want him back. I have needed him so much lately. I have so many things going on in my head & I have no one I can talk to about it. 

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